Kids are Puppies, Too

My wife and I have no children at home so like many of you, we have given personalities to our pets. We’ve rescued two mixed-breed dogs from the shelter: an Australian Shepherd named Gracie, and Billy a Sheltie Mix. Carol claims that Billy is a purebred, he just doesn’t have papers. (Yeah, and I graduated from the French Culinary Art School in New York, I just don’t have my diploma…but, I digest.)

If we wanted to know for sure about Billy’s purebred status, we could enlist the services of a web-based laboratory to find out. They say that by being aware of what your breed’s makeup, you will be better equipped to understand your dog’s needs. I kid you not. So, with a sample of Fido’s saliva and 80 bucks, you can learn exactly what kind of dog you have. For example: 40% Labrador, 40% Shepherd, 15% Akita and a dash of Cocker Spaniel. Mix well, walk often, enjoy.

In my eternal effort to create a stream of income without actually having to perform any work, I thought I would start a business like this. However to cut down on overhead, I would conduct no actual testing. What I would do is request a picture of the K-9 in question and using only keen eyesight and my stellar powers of observation, I could determine gender, color(s), and the weather conditions in the immediate area around the dog. For an additional fee, they could subscribe to my virtual mailing list (where I send virtually no mailing) and would receive an autographed picture of me and my neighbor’s dog.

At any rate, in this fantasy world Carol and I have created our dogs talk to us, walk on their hind legs, talk on their own cell phones, leave dirty socks on the floor and stay out late with their friends. It keeps us busy. Surely we’re not the only people who do this, right? Right? Anyone? Beuller? Taking in account that dogs age faster than humans by 7x’s, Billy and Gracie are 17 and 20 years old, respectively.

Gracie works at the library part time and is attending the University of Tennessee on a soccer scholarship. Billy cannot spell scholarship, although he’s dated numerous sorority girls. (Are you following?)

Gracie has applied for the foreign exchange student program so she can study abroad, preferably somewhere in the Mediterranean. Billy also wants to travel to the Mediterranean, but only because he heard from a Chihuahua that there are topless beaches. Additionally he would like to travel with many women, not just a single “broad”.

Now I’ve got to tell you, we’re not the only ones who humanize their dogs. Our good friends the Massaglias have a black and white Shitzu named Cosmo. Cosmo is a distinguished, 60-year-old gentleman who speaks with a British Accent. He spends most of the afternoons in his private, two-story library wearing a smoking jacket, reading The Count of Monte Cristo and enjoying a good Scotch. On the weekends he takes his vintage Aston Martin to Cades Cove. It’s a gorgeous convertible; he wears goggles.

Truthfully, pet ownership can be good for your health. Studies have proven that pets can relieve blood pressure and reduce stress levels. Pets provide exercise, companionship and can even get you dates. I’m serious! When was the last time you saw an available woman avoiding a puppy? Not that there’s anything wrong with unavailable women, they’re just harder to date. I challenge you to borrow a puppy from a friend and take it to a greenway on a sunny day. I am willing to bet that you will meet at least one woman who could potentially turn into a solid relationship. …That is until you have to return the dog and come clean that you scammed her. Chics don’t like to be scammed.

As a bonus, if you send me a picture of the potential date and $80, I’ll tell you what type of women they are. For example: 40% Scottish, 40% Irish, 15% Italian and a dash of Russian. Mix well, walk often, enjoy.

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